14 Grep

“Neyhhh,” Grep grunted as the giantess threw his little, green body. The goblin was tough, so bouncing along the ground only hurt his pride.

She didn’t take well to his advances, so he probably deserved that. He was 4 liters into a keg, so getting back up on his feet was a challenge on its own.

He got thrown out of the bar’s swinging doors, the muddy ditch wasn’t helping. After slipping and sliding a few times, he made it crawling onto the main road. The coin purse attached to his waistband clinked healthily… The bars in this village were cheap. His favorite kind.

Stumbling about, he looked for any sign of a brothel. It couldn’t be far from the bar… That would just be bad for business. Before his blurry vision could spot anything, his feet felt light as he got swept away. Someone on a horse had him by the shirt collar, but his flailing kicks were useless.

He woke up to a warm fire, “Mommy?” his addled brain foggy from the prior night.

“I’m not your mommy, you little freak.” The gruff woman-thing spoke. Maybe it was a man. Grep wasn’t picky.

He put his feet towards the fire, close enough to burn off the noxious scent that always hung around. She/He didn’t seem to react to the pungent steam from his muddy toes. They dried up quickly and he wiggled them free of their clay constraints.

“Then who are you, mademoiselle?” His glance over at the hooded figure got a death stare in return. Who did he piss off this time?

“A messenger. Or, more accurately, a delivery man,” The gruff voice was reluctant to respond. Grep made a lot of people mad, so this came as no surprise.

“Are we there yet?” He wondered which kingdom wanted him. If they were stopping for a break, it couldn’t be any of the close ones.

“We’re headed to the big one, so don’t make me tie you to my steed,” They seemed exasperated with him already.

He threw his hands into the air, feigning innocence. Admittedly, he was far from it, but he knew the journey would be better for everyone if he didn’t make half-assed attempts to get away. He could wait for the right moment. Or just figure it out once he got to the kingdom. He doesn’t really care.

The messenger was a tough crowd the entire trip. Every joke hit a wall, every snide comment was ignored. They can’t have any fun, can they?

Finally, Grep was thrown before the court. His knees on the hard, marble floor, he bent over as the king entered and took his seat. A court commissioner read out the long list of crimes and treasons the goblin had under his belt. After the lengthy article rolled back up, Grep snickered, the laughter echoing through the room. Members of the court grew furious at the little green thing before them. Sniveling bastard.

He was tossed into prison and began the arduous wait. He made jokes to the rats that entered his cell looking for food. If he sat still enough, some would nibble at the calluses on his feet. They had it easy, the bars were far apart enough for them to get through.

On the third day, he was roughly expelled from his quarters. He was just beginning to make friends with his rodent roommates. Between two strong guards, it seemed like no opportunity to escape presented itself. This was the main kingdom, anyway. He expected no less.

Outside, now in the public view, they stripped him of his clothes. He waggled his hips, causing a few of the closer women to faint as he flaunted his bits crudely.

It wasn’t long before he was lifted off his feet, hung off a ladder by ropes wrapped under his armpits. He managed to get a few dry humps out on a royal guard that was lifting him. Each time the crowd reacted to him, it drove him to perform more vulgar acts. This was a riot, and more or less the way he envisioned how he would spend his last precious moments. He was able to get one off before they cut it off. It would have hurt if he had a good sense of pain, but the pleasure was almost better because of it.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time!” He cried out before they disemboweled him and cut his head off.

Moments later, Grep the Goblin opened his eyes to a familiar clearing in the woods. That went well. There was plenty of time left to have more adventures in this medieval fantasy world.