Afterword

Understandably, I wrestled with sharing this paper. As I said earlier, this is a difficult topic for some to come to terms with, much less to be upfront about with others. There’s real stigma to wade through.

I also recognize that I’m able to write my experiences down and connect with a broader range of readers because my own practice is nonsexual; others’ practices vary across the spectrum I describe. That doesn’t “protect” me from stigma or discrimination, and people in adjacent communities may face different or greater risks when coming out (or disclosing) their practices. Even with trusted people, coming out can change how others see them and can strain relationships. Although I didn’t spell out many risks in this paper, seeing friends face misunderstanding (including near-exclusion from vanilla spaces) convinced me it’s worth it to write this paper.

I wanted to do this paper justice because of that stigma, despite it, and in direct confrontation to it. Knowledge and understanding are powerful, and I hope that by seeing how I’ve approached these concepts with learning first, you feel encouraged to do the same.

The next time you come across something that intimidates you, slow down, take a breath, and consider it with curiosity. It’s quite possible that it’s more nuanced than it might originally seem, and please remember that at the end of the day, we’re talking about people, each with context, boundaries, and dignity. However we navigate our lives, it’s something to be shared and celebrated.

We all carry preconceived ideas about life and how things work; try setting them aside for a little while, even just to get to know another person better.

Thanks for reading this paper, and if you made it this far, I am so happy that you gave it a shot. Considering my words up to this point means everything to me, and I hope you learned a lot!

I write as a researcher and lived-experience author, not a clinician; nothing here is medical or therapeutic advice.