Thought Experiments with a Safety Net
The Mordetwi distraction wasn’t totally random in the grand scheme of things; it actually ties back to how I experience romance and attraction. I’ve realized that I allow myself to enjoy thought experiments with a safety net. By that I mean I can indulge in daydreams, jokes, or creative content about love, but only so long as there’s no real pressure or expectation for it to happen to me. I’m most comfortable around people where I do not land on their romantic or sexual preference. I know that they would never go for a relationship with me, so I feel protected in the sense that I can be more free to express myself or even joke about relationship topics around them.
At this point you might be wondering: if I don’t feel standard attraction, what identity labels describe me? The short answer is I’m an aromantic asexual person, often shortened to “aro-ace.” Aromantic means I don’t experience romantic attraction, and asexual means I don’t experience sexual attraction. Human feelings are rarely black and white. There’s a whole spectrum of nuance within what’s known as the a-spectrum (or aspec) community, an umbrella term for people who don’t experience attraction in the typical “allo” way. “Alloromantic” describes someone who experiences romantic attraction in a conventional way, while “allosexual” is the same about sexual attraction. The aspec community includes those who fall outside one or both of those traditional patterns.
Within that spectrum, there are dozens of microlabels that try to capture the gray areas. For example, demiromantic for someone who only feels romantic attraction after a deep emotional bond, or cupioromantic for someone who does not feel romantic attraction but still desires a romantic relationship (The Latin root “cupio” literally means “to desire,” which is fitting). There’s also lithromantic (feeling romantic attraction but not wanting it reciprocated), and many more. These terms exist because humans are wonderfully varied, and not everyone’s experience of love fits the Hallmark card mold.
That said, I don’t strictly align myself with any one microlabel beyond the broad “aro-ace” banner. My desires and feelings (whatever you call them) tend to be fleeting and situational. Because these states come and go, I treat the labels as descriptive tools rather than hard-and-fast identity markers. At the end of the day, I know who I am: I’m someone who doesn’t really experience attraction, but does experience longing, fondness, and occasional bouts of “wouldn’t it be nice?” fantasy. I’m on the asexual/aromantic spectrum for sure… Part of the aspec family, but I’m also just… me, with my unique mix of quirks.
For anyone reading who might relate to some of this, I want to note that there are resources and communities out there. I learned a lot from sites like the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN, at asexuality.org) and the Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA, at aromanticism.org). Those websites have FAQs, personal stories, and glossaries of terms. Finding language for what you feel can be incredibly empowering. Which brings me full circle to one of the most unexpectedly joyful parts of this journey.
