Belonging & Community

Humans are social creatures; feeling part of a group or “tribe” is a fundamental need. A radicalized individual often finds intense belonging in their chosen group, be it a religious sect, an activist cell, or an internet fandom. That group becomes a family. They’ll use language of kinship: brothers-in-arms, sisterhood, comrade. For example, fans of Boy Throb proudly called themselves “Throbbers” and the “Throb Mob,” reveling in a communal identity. Commenters on their videos weren’t just watching passively; they were rooting for Darshan like he was one of their own, celebrating milestones together. One could say Boy Throb was “building a family” out of its fanbase and members, and indeed one band member explicitly said “we’re building a family” when their follower count exploded. In extremist contexts, this belonging is even more intense: marginalized youth might join a gang or militant group and for the first time feel they have brothers who’d die for them. Now contrast that with me… An anti-group soul. Do I not need belonging? Of course I do; I’m just extremely wary of the costs that often come with it. I’ve sought belonging in more individualized ways. My “tribe,” if I have one, is made up of a few close friends and fellow oddballs who each respect the other’s autonomy. It’s a tiny, loosely knit tribe. Interestingly, finding the aro-ace community online was a moment of profound belonging for me, a safe belonging where simply existing as myself was enough, with no extra demands. It made me realize I was not broken and that there were others like me. That sense of belonging didn’t require me to change myself; it was about being understood. This is key: anti-group individuals often seek out (or accidentally stumble into) “communities of individuals” or groups whose very ethos is respecting each member’s uniqueness. I found refuge in a community that says “you don’t have to play the standard romance game to belong here.” So in a funny way, even I satisfied the need for belonging through a kind of group, but one that aligns with my autonomous values. That said, I still largely experience belonging on a one-to-one level (deep friendships) or in being part of humanity in a broad sense, rather than identifying with tight-knit teams. The hunger for belonging is there, but I feed it with careful bites, wary of being swallowed whole.