Leadership & Guidance

People often seek leaders (labeled as mentors, gurus, commanders) to guide them. In extremist circles, a charismatic leader can be the magnet that pulls individuals in. Having a figure who “knows the truth” or “has a plan” is deeply attractive, especially in uncertain times. Radical leaders often cultivate almost parental roles: they set rules, reward loyalty, punish deviation, and become an embodiment of the cause. Followers not only obey them but frequently idolize them. From cults where devotees literally worship the cult leader, to militias where the general’s approval is everything, leadership fulfills a need for direction and validation from an authority. It’s a comforting hierarchy: you know your place and whose vision to trust. Now, I have essentially a toddler’s relationship with authority: I shout “You’re not the boss of me!” at any figure who tries to assert dominance over my choices (figuratively shout, usually). Authority figures have often triggered my reactance if they come on too strong. I simply hate being led. And yet, I’ve benefited from guidance, just often in an indirect or on-my-own-terms way. I prefer mentors to leaders, people who have wisdom but don’t force it on me. For example, during my self-guided sexuality project, I read materials by sex educators and psychologists. In a sense, I “followed” their leadership in knowledge, but it was one-way: I took their lessons but wasn’t in any hierarchical relationship with them. Similarly, I’ve had one or two close friends whom I admire and whose advice I take seriously, but again, it’s always framed as advice, not orders. I think anti-group folks like me seek guidance in more impersonal forms: books, online resources, observing from the sidelines how others do things. We might cobble together a “personal board of advisors” from various sources we trust, without ever formally submitting to any of them. I also find guidance from principles or philosophies rather than persons. Relationship anarchy, for instance, provides some guiding tenets (like “no relationship is by default more important than others; it’s up to you to decide”). I’m willing to listen to a principle if it resonates with my core values, whereas I’m not willing to blindly listen to a person just because they hold a position of power. My general stance is: I will follow you only so far as you walk in the same direction I’ve independently chosen. It’s leadership conditional on autonomy. Most people in a cohesive group are more comfortable with unconditional leadership (within some moral bounds), they trust the person at the helm to decide the direction. I trust no one that much, except maybe myself. And sometimes, to be honest, being one’s own leader is exhausting and fallible. I have to own all my mistakes. There’s no one to defer to when things go wrong. This is the price of the anti-group life: full responsibility, all the time. I can appreciate why others happily hand the steering wheel to a leader, it’s nice to relax in the passenger seat and just navigate by someone else’s North Star. But I get carsick when I’m not driving, metaphorically speaking. I must be the one steering my life, or I feel ill at ease.