II. Aesthetic Practice Rather Than Gender Performance

Because clothing is often read as gender, people can misunderstand the intent. Here, I am describing aesthetic practice rather than an attempt to be read as a woman, even if a side effect is that people may start realizing clothes are clothes and you can wear what you want.

What the clothing gives me is specific: bounce, frill, fullness, color, pattern, movement, silhouette, softness, comfort, elegance, range, and interest. Dresses, skirts, and yes, sometimes women's lingerie or swimwear, have an appeal (that is not sexual for me as an asexual/aromantic person). The cut of lingerie or swimwear can be quite similar to each other for certain styles, and it creates a silhouette that is very identifiable. I love the shape of the garments, the lace, the fit, and in the case of swimsuits, my favorite combo: a skirt or ruffles attached to the swimsuit.

What gets sold or labeled as typical men’s clothing usually does not offer those qualities in the same way, at least in my experience of it. Feminine styles like dresses and shoulder fabric fullness can really elevate a piece for me, and the wider range of options gives me more room to make the outfit interesting.

There are other words that can brush up against this clothing style, like vulnerability or softness. Vulnerability is an interesting one; softness too, sometimes. However, I won't speak much on either of those. They are side effects of being such a passionate follower of this clothing style, not the focus of this paper. Perhaps worth a paper of their own, though I’d have to be careful about my wording (which I suppose I’ve tried to do in this paper, as well).

And no, I don't really care for the rebellion. I don't perceive others looking at me, and I do try to ignore them if I become aware of glances. I'm not attention seeking; I minimize social friction when possible. So even when the clothes may be read by others as rebellion, the claim I am making is much simpler: I like what these garments let me see, feel, and wear.

So much of the joy comes from freedom to choose, the options that the freedom to choose creates, looking down and seeing lots of fun fabric, and dancing becomes more fun. Wind can be an accidentally thrilling experience, and I have to occasionally consider how I sit or what I would be sitting on (but I often wear leggings… And if there's going to be lots of activity, I can wear bloomers; they are quite fashionable again). What feels meaningful beyond joy is that sometimes I feel like I am representing queer culture. I like to recognize my visibility and just be a good person and inform people about inclusivity when possible.

At the same time, some of this is private. I try to keep the lingerie private. It just seems like a more private topic that I'd be willing to share with too many people. I mean I guess I am writing about it here… But that's because I want everyone to know this whole conversation ends up being a deeper topic, and one that I still feel shame over certain aspects (despite the fact that nearly all the reasons I’ve listed about skirts and dresses can also apply to other, more intimate aspects of women’s wear).

Even the practical parts of clothing become aesthetic, especially when the loose fabric of a skirt or dress is part of what I want the garment to do. I do not want that fabric interrupted, not as part of gender affirmation, but because I prefer the loose fabric of a skirt or dress to be unrestricted to hang with grace. I don't mind bulges as something that happens with clothing, and it's often unintentional. When it is desired in a silhouette (shape or cut of a garment), it's usually in a sexual context. However, I am asexual, so I can appreciate it from a nonsexual standpoint (yet recognize that it is used in those contexts).

I'm not fixated on bulges, and actively reduce the amount that mine would come across in any particular outfit, but I recognize their relevance in fashion. There are people who need to account for their presence when deciding how an outfit comes together. The farthest I go to account for it in my own wear is usually just more supportive underwear, leggings beneath a skirt, or additions like bloomers with fullness (extra fabric). In all of those options, I adore color and pattern choices, making what would be a utilitarian solution into a fashionable and self-expressive decision instead. Even if some of those decisions go unseen.

Over time, my practice of crossdressing has become easier. Easier by wearing skirts and dresses! I started with just one safe place, but more and more it became normalized to me. A great victory was when I felt no shame about going to a thrift store alone and picking out new outfits to expand my wardrobe. Speaking of expanding my wardrobe (despite my hesitation around talking about lingerie or swimwear), I have found a few athletic dresses that were able to meet that swimwear-attire desire I wanted to explore, so I am on the beginning steps of expanding my comfort levels yet again.