V. Inclusive Language, Humor, and Reducing Social Friction

The same issue that appears in clothing also appears in language: a battle between possible social friction and my values. When I am discussing a topic, I often ease that tension by inserting my values into jokes, or into what I call "petty, pedantic semantics." I use humor to offer more inclusive alternatives to phrases that I or other people said, usually as a lighthearted alternative rather than a serious correction or direct confrontation.

People who are open to adjusting their language will often jokingly respond with new terms or change their language to 1) acknowledge the joke and humor me or 2) realize their initial lack of inclusive language. This works well in my friend groups because humor is already part of how we communicate, though I do not mean it as a universal set of tips. Some readers may have friend groups that appreciate, respond to, or actively welcome direct confrontation when their language is offensive or incomplete. I, however, love the little, funny things.

I love to "gender neutralize" things. It could be as formal as finding terms online through casual research (like, what is the gender neutral term for bride?), but will often come across in my daily dialog in moments where concepts connect in my mind and I blurt them out (like saying "nearlywed room" rather than "bride’s room"). So I do indirectly try to change the listener's assumption, but through example and humor, not direct address. To be clear, the alternative language itself is not the joke; the joke is usually the sudden translation, the pun, or the way our default categories start making silly little noises when you swap the terms around. I sometimes push the translation too far on purpose, because it is humorous to poke at language until it becomes almost illegible. The fact that our society is built on these traditional values means that stripping them out suddenly and filling them back in with alternative language is a fun thought experiment, and ends up shining a light on how densely our language has relied on these concepts. It's fun to see them break down, it's fun to substitute with alternative language, not to specifically make fun of the fact that it's alternative, but because the contrast is part of the joke and experience of puns, like play on words.

For technically precise language, I only resort to that when humor fails. My backup is the official explanation or reasoning that connects with people's logic. If they confront me, then it's when I would share in more serious terms that I either know examples of or have experienced the issues involved with the uninclusive language. That tone shift can invite more friction, but if I had to shift to it, then the indirect attempt had already failed at that point.

The followup to this is that I really dislike humor that does the opposite of what I said. I have a distaste for humor that jokingly reinforces values that are not ones that I particularly care for. Yes, I totally understand that humor is nuanced and can be a great release for some, even those affected by the topic that the humor is riffing on (sometimes especially those, in a type of solidarity through jokes). I don't usually react outwardly when something bothers me. I internalize many things without any reaction, because I do not see myself as the purveyor or controller of other's actions or values. I take a backseat (sometimes to my disadvantage... And if they are young and know no better, to their disadvantage). This is primarily why my conversation style is indirect.

However, I don't like myself making jokes that are against my values. For myself, I have gotten very interested in what could be considered "self-directed content moderation," where I purposely avoid exposure to subjects or content that I have a distaste for. If I make a joke that lands well in a friend group but depends on values I do not agree with, I will feel bad about my own language. They may have loved it, the joke may have been well timed, and it may have led to a bonding moment, but that doesn't mean I prefer myself to act that way. I don't distrust the strength of my values; I just don't want those connections to become easier or more normalized in my own body. Having self-control, filtering my words before they enter the world, it all takes practice. The muscle works.

I've successfully gender neutralized a lot of my language: at first because I thought it was funny or clever, but more recently with purpose, or what some would call "value signaling," though obviously a subtle kind.