Pronouns as Recognition
Pronouns are not only about correctness. They can also be about acknowledgement. Using he/him in person is fine and expected. Using she/her online is a delight because I feel seen as a virtual girl. In that same way, using it/its is acknowledging my agender identity. Because “it” has often been used to dehumanize people, especially trans and gender-nonconforming people, it/its pronouns can be painful or hostile when imposed on someone. For me, though, when chosen and used respectfully, they feel affirming. It’s not something I get much affirmation with.
He/him is not personal at all. It’s just business. It’s something I’ve had growing up, it’s something I’m okay with at my stage in life, and I expect it to be fine in the future.
It/its is different. It is a very clear offer of support, when done intentionally as recognition of my personhood. I’ll remember the times and the people who use it, though as infrequent as it might be. I don’t mind that it’s infrequent, and I do recognize that it is more uncommon. However, many of the third places (a social space separate from the two usual social environments of home and workplace) that I attend include people who are able to use the pronouns easily.
Even the right pronoun can feel wrong if someone makes too big a deal of it. They can do it humorously, but if they do it humorously for too long then it will get a bit uncomfortable.
It/its matters because it is not just a shiny new pronoun like one gets a shiny new toy. For both he/him and she/her, they have a clearly defined place, time, and purpose. I’ve lived with both of them for a long time, and kind of take them for granted. It/its is a reclaimed term, meaning that it had a historic misuse, such as a medium to convey transphobia, but regarding my agender label, it’s something that I would see as affirming if used for me. People can absolutely use it in a queerphobic way to me, (I don’t see myself as trans) but same as someone taking any of these terms off my list and using them in a negative way, they can sour the conversation on purpose. But that aside, it validates part of my identity.
They/them does not serve that same purpose for me. I don’t care for it much as they/them is gaining anything. I don’t see my agender self as they or them. Agender, in the way I use it, is the exclusion of the categories, so the only way I feel that acknowledges that for me is using it/its. In that sense, dude is not an ungendered term in the same way that it/its feels de-gendered to me, meaning a lack of gender and purposeful dismissal of categorization.
To get far too detailed, my young past had a long history of wanting to become a eunuch. I didn’t get far enough down the path to get accepted or rejected medically, nor did I even speak to any therapists about it. But the fascination was not just a phase. I still retain my interest in the subject, though it is more nuanced, and my biology has already had an effect on my development. Health-wise, the biggest caution I showed was that it could have undesired side effects such as bone density, or risk of osteoporosis. There were, of course, many “side effects” that were the desired outcome for me, but at this point in my life we are long past the zone in which that decision would have led to me being the type of person I focused on with great interest. Would it have been the right decision? It’s completely unknown.
If we had greater medical knowledge of mitigating undesired side effects, and a greater body of literature that supported agender transition therapy, then yes, I think I would have gotten a lot farther, or at least been able to talk to someone knowledgeable enough to guide me in that decision for medical transition care that made sense for my agender experience. With the current political landscape even setting back widely accepted transition therapy and trans experiences, my heart aches for anyone in my same category. Where even with how far we have gotten, it feels like the agender experience is still even farther behind in medical and potentially mental health spaces. And it’s nowhere on the register in legal spaces.