Why Precision Became Necessary
My pronoun page did not begin as an abstract project in identity theory. I honestly just wanted a central location for my content warnings. I saw someone have this really cool pronoun page, and where they did not use it for content boundaries, it really showed what words they were okay with their partner using for them versus general use terms. It was all separated nicely and had a cool looking legend. So I knew I could turn that legend into a separation of my content boundaries.
@katsumi_maki
Words
Content boundaries
- SA/harassment
- Self-harm
- Kissing
- Assumed consent; no confirmation
- Orgy/Threesomes+
- Gore/Blood
- Pedo
- R34 of any fandom except anime
It also formalized what I already desired with my pronouns and words that referred to me. But a large push towards using a website like this was, in fact, me pre-empting the avoidance of topics I really can’t handle in day-to-day conversations. If people mean enough to me, I already tell them this stuff directly, but this is me finally putting pen to paper and really just releasing it all publicly.
The origin is a tangled mixture of positive self-discovery, negative experiences, and community norms, though the community norms are LGBT+ community norms specifically. I’m in those spaces enough for this to be useful. Learning what feels good is for the terms that are not yellow or red, meaning avoid or never. Avoid and never were found out the hard way, having to confront my feelings about these subjects and terminologies. The pink terms, the online terms, are my favorites. They were all found through embodying a version of myself that I really like.
The harder categories matter because some terms and topics are rough on my mental state. Where I have developed coping mechanisms to survive encounters that broach these subjects or misidentify me with these terms, it’s survival at the end of the day. If being forced to fight for my life can be avoided, then it’s a more enjoyable interaction because of the large reduction of stress.
It has my boundaries, sure, and really boundaries are becoming a part of my identity. They started out as “oh this makes me feel bad” but have swirled around in my brain and affected my life enough for me to tell others “hey, there’s a thing that makes me feel bad,” even beforehand. That beforehand is the key.
I’m typically someone who processes emotions long after any experience. I won’t know them at the time, and I unpack them when I’m alone. Only then would I reach out and say “hey that was awful” if I manage to work up the courage required to tell them. But now, having lived with that process so long, now I’m coming out and saying it right upfront.
That does not mean every mistake gets treated the same way. I don’t particularly put myself in charge of other people’s actions. I’ll casually or nicely correct them, and explain why if needed or if further discussion happens because of my gentle correction. If they continue, of course, then that is their prerogative and I will switch to other methods of distancing myself, such as leaving the room, strengthening my position, reaching out for other support, or making a quiet adjustment into survival mode where I can bear with things a little longer. In that final position, it’s very likely that I’ll need to reach out to my support group for recovery, or find a way to utilize my coping methods to heal afterwards.